Are We Wives Trophies?

Monday, July 17, 2006


I will try to keep this post short. This is something that was on my mind recently, and came up in conversations with friends, co-workers, etc. Also, it relates to a general issue which I always wondered about. So while I have much to say, I will try (really, lol!) not to ramble.

One of the rabbonim here spoke recently about hilchos tznius to the men in yeshiva. Now, I do not want to go into the whole speech and all that. I know people have loads to say about this and it is like an explosive issue. This is NOT what I want to discuss here. What did catch my interest was a comment the rav made which I then had a conversation with my husband about.

The rav said that the reason he was speaking to the guys about tznius and not the wives, was because there are women who call him and tell him that their husband were really pushing them to dress way more provocatively than they want to. And we’re talking about outside, like in the street.

Now maybe this is nothing new to the guys, but this was like a major conversation piece for lots of the wives who heard the tape or about what he said. It seems like a lot of guys look at their wives almost like trophies to show off or something. My husband’s chavrusa was saying how terrible it is when guys show their wives off, and my husband (who is a bit innocent in these things) insisted that no one in his right mind would do that. When my husband told me about his argument with his chavrusa, I was like, hello, he is right, loads of guys want to show off their wives. But my husband is like, no way. He thinks that the husbands whose wives called the rav are just not as makpid as the wives, but it’s not like they specifically want to show them off. I was like, but then, if the wives are more makpid and uncomfortable, why should the husband care? My husband thinks maybe they just don’t like their wives to be more frum than them (which I admit is a good point), but for sure no guy would want to show off his wife. A guy likes to have it all to himself.

So who is right? The ladies in the offices I know about are all up in arms. Like is it really like that? Are we just trophies or things the guys use to compete with each other? Do they have like zero respect for us ourselves? A lot of girls admit their husbands like them to dress up nicely, and they always thought that the husbands just wanted them to look good. But now some are saying, does he want me to look good for him, or is it to like show off to his friends? Like, is that all I am to him?

I recently had an e-mail exchange with a very smart man who understands things, so I do put weight in what he says. I was saying how my husband is pretty easy-going as far as what he lets me wear, but he has on occasion expressed his opinion that certain things were like maybe too much. I explained that basically my husband is not too into what styles I wear and stuff like that. He trusts me (like maybe even too much…) on styles, colors, designs. But if he thinks a certain top or blouse or whatever like shows my body too much (and for me this is a major problem), it does make him uncomfortable that I should wear it outside in public. It is really not so much a tznius thing. It’s more like I get the feeling that he just sort of likes to keep what he feels is my feminine part for himself. I admit that this does make me feel very good, and even though it is frustrating not to wear certain stuff I think really make me look good, I don’t feel as put out as I used to when my parents told me I can’t wear stuff, cause like I feel special to him that he likes me and thinks it is too special to show off and parade around.

This person I was e-mailing also expressed the feeling that it is interesting my husband looks at it this way, because not all guys do. So this is basically what has been on my mind. What is going through the husband’s minds and what do you all feel about it? Is it normal? Are we women being used, as we often are, or is this the way of the world? Is there a reason a guy should not want to show off a pretty wife just like he’d show off a fancy tie or chosson watch, or is it sick and weird, and a bad hashpa’ah from the world we live in that a husband does not think of his wife as special for him, and has no problem showing her off? And not only has no problem, but wants it, and even pushes her to like, flaunt it, so his friends can see what he has?

And is it right to his friends? What if they don’t have such a pretty wife? Or what if their wives are like busy with little kids or whatever? And what about single friends? A married girl I was talking to, not really a friend, but someone I know, tells me that she feels it is only right for her to dress as best as she can, even to flaunt what she has, because why should her husband not be proud of his wife and have to look at the other guy’s wives? She even admit that she knows his single friends really have a hard time when they eat by them on Shabbos (yes, we do notice those not-so-subtle stares…). But when I asked her, so like how can you do that, she said because as soon as they get married they will bring their wives over who will flaunt every last thing they have to my husband, so I have every right to do the same.

So is this all about keeping our spouses happy? If the other one stops, would we too? Is it like just a vicious cycle? Or do we as women also enjoy flaunting and flirting and now we convince ourselves we are “doing it for our husbands”? So it’s both, the wives who feel it is right to do, and the husbands who want it. What do you think? Is it right? Is it a mitzvah even? Or would it be just as good, and better, for us to dress to the nines for supper at home, or whenever we can in private, but just not right for us to do it outside, and for guys to use their wives outside to show off with?

What do you think?

posted by Elisheva @ 4:30 PM 88 comments