Is It Manners Or Middos?

Wednesday, January 04, 200

Okay, so I’m finally writing something. I don’t know if anyone even bothers still checking my blog because like I have been away for like way too long, but I guess I can start anew like when I started my blog. I just want to let everyone know how much it really meant to me all the comments, all the opinions, and all the friendship. I have been quite busy lately, more than I ever anticipated when I started posting stuff and had the notion that I could always keep up with so many great blogs, post my own stuff, and e-mail so many great people. I think I have been remiss in all of these. My apologies to anyone I ever left hanging. I really love the posts and e-mails and always want to comment and respond, but I guess I cannot always get online and B”H am busy with stuff, my job, my siblings, etc. Even now, I am in a very emotionally intense period of life (Okay, you all know what that means for a girl in my stage of life – serious dating!), but I think I need the comfort and therapeutic help of finally sitting down and writing something.

So what’s on my mind? I received a few interesting comments from some people I only know through e-mail and blogs. These were quite flattering and had to do with my middos. I’d hate to sound show-offy, but I do try very hard to be a mentch. B”H it seems that my conscientiousness pays off and I hope I have made a Kiddush Hashem with my actions and behavior. I will fully and totally credit my parents for bringing me up this way. See an earlier post about how my parents, though perhaps not always my idea of open-mindedness, are still my ideal of mentchlichkeit. The interesting part is that I have received more than a few comments like, “Are you sure you’re not a ba’alas teshuva?” Or, “Are you really from Lakewood?” Or, “You can’t be as yeshivish as you make yourself out to be, you’re too much of a mentch.”

This got me thinking a lot. First it upset me actually. Like these people must be so stereotyped against frum, yeshivish people. But like the more I thought about it, I realized that I myself like so often get upset about the very same thing. Why do my brothers never dream to say the basic please and thank you’s in some situations? Why am I the one from my group of friends who thinks to get a gift for the saleslady after we made her crazy a whole month while preparing for our school production? Why am I always reminding my brother to tip the delivery guy?

When I was just recently in Boro Park (I think BP in conducive to thoughts for my blog!), I was in a store with a wagon full of stuff for my grandparents for Shabbos. A guy comes in and takes two donuts and stands behind me. I told him he could go in front of me. I didn’t think twice about it, I mean this guy had like nothing and I had a wagon full. The fellow looked at me and said, “You’re not from here, right?” I blushed, cause I am not used to making conversation with strange (especially good-looking) men in public. I thought he was trying to strike up a conversation, but I anyways just told him no I am not. The guy smirked and said, “Cause no one in Boro Park would ever give up a spot anywhere for anything in the world.” I didn’t know what to say. The guy then asked conversationally, “So where are you from?” Now I was like totally blushing furiously because he was obviously taking an interest in me. But still I did say I was from Lakewood. The young man did a double take and like his mouth fell open. “I learned in Lakewood. It’s just as bad as Boro Park. I thought for sure you were from out of town.”

B”H the cashier was finished with him then and he left, but I was like stunned and upset. Do we have such a bad name? Why? First I was like upset at him for thinking this of us, but then I remembered like I said before how I also often have these same complaints. Why is it the out-of-towners who will stop and let a girl cross at a corner while the local drivers just need to get across two seconds earlier? Why are so many safety concerns laughed at by frum people? Then I wondered if I was falling into the same trap. Like maybe there were good people and bad people in both yeshivish and non-yeshivish categories, and we just only notice our own negative aspects. But I still think that there is a certain disregard for simple old-fashioned etiquette, sensibility, and safety issues in our circles. So that brings me back to why? My grandmother always says, “Chivalry is a lost art. Behave like a princess, and your prince will seek to find it.” I think she is right, but why is this?

I discussed this with the few people I know who understand where I am coming from and are open-minded and we came up with a thought that I’d like your opinions about. It seems that there is a certain healthy disregard for worldly things in frum and yeshivish society. Obviously we don’t want to pick up all the trash and garbage out there in the world. We don’t want girls talking to every guy even if the world says that it is nice to be like that. That is fine. I will admit the more we talk and relate to strangers at our horny, young, sometimes-reckless age, the stupider, sillier, and flirtier we can act.

The problem is that people take that to the extreme. “If I am not supposed to be like that, then I totally ignore all guys.” But if a guy picks up a bag you dropped, you should say thank you! He isn’t a piece of furniture. He did something for you. No one says you have to say, thank you and what’s your name and where are you from and start a whole conversation (though I think some guys kind of wished we dropped things just so that they can pick it up and start such a convo.) But you can say thank you. That’s all.

So the thing is I think we like go too much to the extreme in so many things like this. I think it is more in our community because we automatically think, and rightfully so, that lots of goyish stuff is wrong or silly. But we still like need to use our brains and middos. Maybe not every health issue by the goyim is real. Maybe they overdue stuff to be politically right. But does that mean smoking is not stupid? (Sorry too all my brothers friends who anyway will never read this blog and don’t dream that I realize what they do out back late at night. We girls are not all that stupid. And you come in smelling after that, and don't think the mint candy covers it all up.) Does that mean that it’s like some shtik to drive carelessly and not a real danger?

Even if some goyish etiquette is stupid, as frum Yidden we have to remember that middos is important. Saying thank you is middos. Giving a thank you gift and a tip is middos. Letting someone go ahead in many situations is middos, not just ettiqutte.

I am not sure if I am like trying to fit too many situations into my theory, but I really think that a lot of our mishugasen comes from a misplaced mistrust and distaste for goyish rules and etiquette. As one last example I will bring up and old pet peeve in my house. My brothers always tease me about how I still sign my name using a heart to dot the “i”. Lately the complaint became more frum. It is goyish to be busy with hearts and stuff. I think my mother thinks it is goyish to like so much lace and frills too. What I am saying is I totally admit that like parading your femininity in public is goyish. Perhaps also making a whole fantasy world of hearts and ribbons is also more Hollywood than a sensible frum life should be. But does that make the whole thing bad? Isn’t it just human for a girl to be feminine, not necessarily goyish?

We need to be more careful to think for ourselves where worldy hashpa’os end, and where basic mentchlichkeit and middos begin.

I don’t know when I will be able to post again, but thanks again to everyone for reading my stuff and especially to my special friend SemGirl for absolutely everything. You mean a lot more to me that I can ever explain. Shalom to all of you.

posted by Elisheva @ 8:04 PM