...but Are You Really Happy?

Wednesday, May 24, 200

Where do I start? Okay, so I guess I don’t, I should just dive right in to my topic. Cause like if not, I will never get to it. Okay, okay. I won’t just ignore everything and all your questions about my married life. I know many of you have really been sweet about everything and your best wishes always touched me, so I guess I do like owe you a decent hello before I get to my post.

B”H. That’s really all I can say. (Oh gosh, Elisheva totally freaked out and is now walking around like this nebby B”H girl all day… I can just hear you gasping.) Um, so like do I assure you that no, I am the same girl I was a few months ago (Is it really just a few months? Yikes!), and that nothing really changed? I don’t think I can.

Yes, things have changed. I always thought they wouldn’t. I was convinced I will always be the same cool person I always was (Cool, like as in calm and in control, not as in like a ‘cool’ girl. I don’t think I ever was that.). Like okay, I was getting married, all the adjusting, okay, we’ll really work hard on it. But why would I change like I see happens to so many girls who get married?

So I have to confess. I changed. I am as shocked as anyone else. Will it stay like this? I don’t know, but like I so totally feel changed. What am I talking about? I don’t even know if I can describe it. Like I definitely did not become a tzaddekes overnight. I cannot say I worked on my ruchnios just because I got married. So what is it? Why when I wanted to speak about married life was I stuck on that ‘B”H’?

I think it’s cause I was like so humbled by what happened to me. A girl can either grow and learn to see Hashem in everything. No, I cannot say I did that, though like I wish one day. Or, Hashem can just choose to show her what she has never seen before and sort of ‘wow’ her by it. Then she sees Hashem too, but not because she worked on it, but like because Hashem was kind to her. Gosh, I think I am sounding totally freaked out now, but I feel this now and this is my blog, so I will end this thought.

For those who have followed my blog, I am a pretty regular BY kid, maybe too curious and too exposed. I try so hard to be good, I am even considered aidel by some, but I have that naughty side buried deep inside me (or not so deep?) which I have to admit, no, I never really did learn to control. So where was I headed? Who knows. I like definitely did not. Deep down I wanted to be good, and to use my urges, both good and bad, for good. But I can’t say I was doing that, nor deserved too much for my efforts.

And yet Hashem saw my confusion, when it was the worst, when I was so torn, so hurting, when I thought He really didn’t see me at all. (Did I just write that? I know it’s not true, but it’s how I felt. Really.) Like to be honest I got my computer for a course and wasn’t supposed to be going online. I cannot say I didn’t go on to see stuff and read stuff I knew would only make matters worse. But I kept losing control, losing the battles. So did I deserve to marry a ben Torah? No. If I would find one, would he want me? No. Like should he have wanted me? No. Did I deserve to even get married if I was so confused? I don’t know.

But Hashem sent me first some little things to calm me and reassure me. No, my life didn’t like change drastically, I didn’t become a better person, but I did feel validated and worthy by some people I met online and someone I met in real life. And then, after some majorly frustrating dates – like either ‘top’ learners who were totally not for me or me for them, or ‘cool’ guys who I thought were like way too shallow for me or just not heading where I deep down still wanted to head – I was introduced to my chosson.

No, I will not start with like extolling his greatness. He is great for me as every chosson is for his kallah. That’s not the point. The point is that there was a person tailor-made for me that Hashem sent my way like way before I deserved it. I can think of loads of girls more deserving than me to meet their bashert who are still waiting. So yes, it is so humbling. I didn’t get this because of my teffilos (like how many times was I too lazy and missed), and not like because of my tznius (how many times did the teenage hormones get the better of me when I know other girls kept much stronger), and not because of anything I deserved. That’s for sure. I am not just acting humble. Hello! If you followed my blog, you know I am no saint. I know it as much as you.

So that’s why I can only say B”H. I debated long and hard before writing this. I would like hate to cause any girl who is still waiting any pain. I’d hate to be perceived as like rubbing it in anyone’s face. Yes, I do know some of the pain and understand, but I cannot honestly say I totally feel what you do. I was not tested like that, and surely I would have flopped. I was already thinking Hashem somehow forgot about me and that was only at 19. But I can’t ignore where I am in life and I know as a single I hated when married girls ignored their status like as if it would make me feel better. It only made me feel like a bigger neb-case. The longing is there, I’m sure, but I would have wanted someone to be open with me, so I’m acting the same. Other girls are different, and even girls like me have bad days when we just don’t care to know about your married life.

But I just felt I would say this much. I am humbled by how I was helped, and I know I owe Hashem and the world big time for it. Hope I don’t mess up. Like surely there are people who are feeling as bad and low as I did or even worse and are thinking, very nice, she got help, see everyone does besides me. I so understand that feeling. I can only say my thoughts and teffilos are with you. I am not going to go on about the standard hashkafa stuff, everyone has their own nisyonos, Hashem tests the stronger people, yadda, yadda, yadda. It’s all true, but surely you know it as much as I do and I know when I felt that way, all the hashkafa talks didn’t help. Maybe it is a weakness of mine. But for me, only empathy helped, and I didn’t always have that, and when it was private struggles and confusions, the loneliness killed. So I will save the preaching and just say, if you are reading this, I am with you. Heart and soul.

Gosh, I knew this would happen! Now I have rambled on and where is my post? Still in my mind where it has been for weeks now, lol! I guess it will have to wait. What can I post now? I’ll try to do something without having thought about it before and see how that works and where it will head. A dear friend e-mailed me and asked me to post about something. I don’t even know if I am married long enough to qualify and have a real opinion on this, but the truth is it like also comes into play for single people too.

I don’t think this is anything original, but I guess I can write my take on it. The question is should we be busy pleasing ourselves and our spouses, or our friends, neighbors, and imaginary critics? I say imaginary, cause I like really think most times we wonder like, “What will Chani say about this outfit?” or “What will Debby say when she realizes that my husband learns so much (or so little) extra time?” I think it is mostly in our minds. Like Chani is usually wondering what you think about her outfit, and the same for Debby. She is hoping you approve of her husband’s schedule.

So does it pay? Will it make you happier? I am not going to deny the pressure is there. I do very often wonder what people think of how I am dressed or look. But I also try to tell myself that I will not be happy dressing how I think they would like or even if I know what it is they think is perfect for me, I still won’t be happy deep inside. I like to be me. I have that part to me. And if you don’t, I think you should try to get in touch with it. Like every person has an inner self somewhere, I think. Maybe you lost touch in this crazy race to try to please everyone else. But are you happy? Does it make you happy deep down if your spouse or you do something only because other people do it that way?

I just thought of an example and then I think I will have to end this post. My husband did not buy me flowers each week. Horrors. Silly of me to be upset? Maybe, but I thought it was like a basic thing they told guys, like it showed you cared and were a mentch etc. My sister’s husband buys flowers every erev Shabbos, that much I picked up. I can’t promise for my friends, I am not such a yenta and not that many close friends are married, but I get the idea it is pretty universal. So when my chosson did not come home with flowers already on our second Friday, I was hurt. Okay, I said, be reasonable, not a baby. Maybe he forgot, you know the stories, grow up, it makes no difference. But then the next week he again didn’t buy any. Should I tell him? That’s silly. They’re not so important, the point is for him to buy them, not for me to ask.

A few Fridays later, he came home with flowers. I was torn between too hurt by now to care and wanting to forget everything and like love him to pieces for buying them. I calmly asked him why he bought them (after telling him they were gorgeous of course, which they were…). He told me that his chavrusa asked him where he buys flowers for Shabbos and he said he didn’t and his chavrusa told him he better! He said he always thought guys bought them only on special occasions or weeks. The flowers were pretty, he got the message, I should have been happy, right? But I wasn’t. I found myself thinking on Shabbos, why should I be happy if he bought them cause his chavrusa said so? Then I told myself, you are being so silly. He learned and was so nice that he like right away acted on what he learned. Still, I guess having what everyone else has just doesn’t make you happy. I wasn’t.

A little later, one regular night, my husband came home from second seder with flowers. I looked at him, like what’s this? He got like majorly flushed (okay, we still have some getting used to each other to do, lol.) and said that he was thinking on the way to second seder about me and about how happy he is and decided to buy something to thank me for being his wife. He was all apologetic like he really wanted to get a gift, but didn’t have time to really think of something nice, but meanwhile he just felt he wanted to buy me something. He had to go to the store before seder cause like it is closed after (I told him ShopRite has them too and they’re open late. He is not that worldly as I have said.), and he wrote something (just a little note, nothing even major) and put it away until after seder to bring it home. Oh gosh, I was going to write how I was crying, but now I am crying again and I have to leave to work soon. (I started writing this post last night and am continuing now so I can post it at work.)

My point is that I was like touched more than I almost have ever been. There are no words to describe such a feeling, and again IY”H by every single one of my readers who are not married and for those who are, I imagine these things wear off. I so hope we can manage to keep it going, and for those who like find it fading, IY”H you should somehow manage to rekindle it. But that was not my point. My point was like that it hit me later (yes, while I was sitting like a total neb just staring at the flowers) that what made me happy, really happy, deep inside happy, not happy cause now he is doing ‘the right thing’, was when he did something that was from him for me. Not when he did something that I felt should have been done or he did it because he felt it was the right thing to do.

Okay, I am not saying you should not buy flowers every erev Shabbos anyway. Yes guys, we love them and they mean a lot either way, really. I was open with him and told him how I felt and that I do like flowers also regularly and he asked if I’d like him to buy them every week and I said if we can afford them, sure, it’ll be beautiful on the Shabbos table (Major table, lol. The dinette table moved to the middle of the room for Shabbos, covered in white, but it is our Shabbos table and I love it, even if we don’t eat at home that Shabbos.). So he does buy them, but still I learned a major lesson. Like nothing can ever compare to something done either for you and not for your neighbor’s benefit, or by you for someone you love and not for someone you are trying to impress.

This is also so much a part of a single person’s life. How we dress, act, even sometimes who we date, like can be influenced by what we think people are thinking or will say. So think about it. Okay, short-term it can totally be nice to get the approval you seek. But long-term, what will make you happy?

Shalom